I've been working on this first chapter on a book, you dont have to read the WHOLE thing but if you'd read some and critique I'd be so thankful. I'm just wondering if its good enough for a literary agent to read and enjoy, thank you!
A not so Happy Fathers Day
Ch 1
"Happy Fathers Day Mr. Whitlock," the Sous Chef of Ruth's Chris Steakhouse greeted personally.
Kent looked up only with his dark green eyes to give his response to the world renowned chef. "Chateau Margaux 1995," Kent ordered flawlessly.
"Of course, I remember your father ordering that. Would you like anything to-,"
"Just the drink," Kent cut him off forcefully.
"Right," he nodded.
Kent gazed around the room, and as usual everyone was staring at him. He was used to this type of attention but certainly didn't enjoy it. His father Kenneth Whitlock used to be the most prestigious real estate tycoon in Los Angeles. He designed and built several Hollywood homes, many of which were custom made for celebrities.
With Kenneth's photo posted all over Hollywood, the Whitlock family had become something of celebrities themselves. If Kent ever made a rare appearance in a Hollywood night club or restaurant, it would be on the front page of the newspaper the next day. His male model looks didn't seem to hurt either.
Kent loosened his Hugo Boss white tie a little bit to take some of the edge off of the eyes beginning to pierce through him. Couldn't they stare at something else? Normally it didn't faze him one bit, but he knew they weren't just staring because of his presence there.
About a month ago Kenneth Whitlock had a heart attack and passed away unexpectedly. He was only fifty two years old and had left his son with everything, which was more of a burden than it seemed. While Kent was quite knowledgeable in real estate, the business of running the company his father built from the ground was a lot of pressure for a twenty four year old that had never worked a day in his life. Losing his father had left him numb and regretful, and today on Fathers Day he wanted to somehow reconcile with himself by dining at his dads favorite restaurant, but it seemed to be having the opposite effect.
Kent realized that by coming here alone on Fathers Day he was just torturing himself, and all he wanted to do now was immerse himself in the light-weight black cherry flavor of the wine he was now impatiently waiting for. Finally, for what seemed like hours, the waitress arrived. In attempt to avoid more stares, Kent had become immersed in his Blackberry and didn't bother looking up.
"Here you go Sir," the woman carefully poured the bottle of wine into a glass. Out of the corner of his eye Kent could see a flash of dark red tendrils floating over the table.
"It's such a nice day today, perfect Fathers Day weather," the waitress babbled on while pouring. As she leaned forward her hair brushed Kent's wrist, and she tucked it behind her ear.
"I haven't seen this place so busy since- oh no! Oh crap!" she shrieked as the large bottle toppled out of her hands. The nearly black liquid spilled onto Kent's white tie and onto his Blackberry instantly breaking it. That certainly caused him to look up.
"I am so sorry!" the waitress apologized over and over. She pulled a dish towel out of her apron and desperately tried to clean the mess.
Kent was just about to express his irritation, but became too dumbfounded to speak, and it wasn't just from the cold drink. Kent continued to study her as panic glimmered throughout her eyes. Unlike most redheads she had sun kissed skin and only a few freckles that dotted her slim arms. He wondered what nationality she was, and if her deep auburn hair color was natural. It reminded him of autumn.
"Erica!" the Sous Chef tore off across the room, as if he was about to attack her. If only half the room was staring before, now everyone was looking straight at Kent, or at least it seemed that way.
"Do you realize you just spilled a thousand dollar bottle of wine all over one of our most favored clients?" he hissed as if he was about to attack her.
"I..," the nearly in tears waitress attempted.
"You are an idiot. Don't even think about getting paid this week, it’s coming out of your paycheck."
"But you don't even pay me that much!" she protested almost laughing.
"Get out of my sight," he replied waving her off. "My deepest apologies Mr. Whitlock, the girl is a complete dimwit. Would you like another bottle Sir? It is on us of course."
Kent hardly heard him as he followed the girl with his eyes.
"Mr. Whitlock?” the Chef repeated.
"No thank you," Kent stood up from his seat not making eye contact with the Ch|||Good and interesting first chapter! Spelling, grammar and punctuation all perfect. And then, introduction of the waitress and Kent's reaction to her... ooh, foreshadowing?
The most important thing when querying an agent if you want to next time is to have an interesting first chapter, because they almost always want only the first 5-10 pages, so it must be captivating.
Really enjoyed it! Good job and keep writing!|||Short answer is, it's nowhere near ready for submission. Sorry :( I critique it below - it's quite blunt and won't make easy reading. But if you are able for it, you'll learn a lot from it on how to improve your writing. And if you're not able for it, much better to find out now, from me, than to write a whole novel and have agents turn you down and (maybe) tell you what's wrong with it.
The best of luck with it all!
"Happy Fathers Day Mr. Whitlock," [PUNCTUATION ISSUE HERE - 'FATHER'S' WOULD HAVE AN APOSTROPHE. ALSO COMMA AFTER 'DAY', I.E. BEFORE THE NAME]the Sous Chef of Ruth's Chris Steakhouse greeted personally. ['SOUS CHEF' WOULDN'T TAKE CAPITAL LETTERS, NOT HERE, NOT ANYWHERE IN THE NOVEL. I WOULD SHORTEN THE NAME OF THE STEAKHOUSE AS 'RUTH'S CHRIS STEAKHOUSE' IS TOO LONG. GREETED WHO PERSONALLY? AND AS A POINT OF FACT, WOULD A SOUS CHEF BE GREETING DINERS? ALSO IF KENT IS THAT FAMOUS, WOULDN'T THE SOUS CHEF KNOW ABOUT HIS RECENT BEREAVEMENT AND WOULDN'T BE SO TACTLESS AS TO WISH HIM A HAPPY FATHER'S DAY.
Kent looked up only with his dark green eyes [WHAT DO YOU MEAN, 'LOOKED UP ONLY WITH HIS DARK GREEN EYES'? IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.]to give his response to the world renowned chef. [YOU WOULDN'T SAY 'TO GIVE HIS RESPONSE TO' - IT'S NOT NEEDED, SOUNDS PRETENTIOUS AND JUST DOESN'T WORK. ALSO 'WORLD-RENOWNED' SHOULD HAVE A DASH. AND AGAIN, A POINT OF FACT, IF HE'S THAT WORLD-RENOWNED WOULD HE REALLY ONLY BE A SOUS-CHEF?]"Chateau Margaux 1995," Kent ordered flawlessly. [AND KENT DOESN'T EVEN RESPOND TO WHAT THE SOUS-CHEF SAID? THAT WOULD ONLY BE POLITE. AND A PLACE THAT POSH WOULD HAVE A SEPARATE WINE WAITER SURELY? AND WHAT DO YOU MEAN, 'ORDERED FLAWLESSLY'? WHAT OTHER WAY WOULD THERE BE TO ORDER? AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO REPEAT 'KENT' AS IT'S OBVIOUS YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT HIM AND CAN SAY 'HE']
"Of course, I remember your father ordering that. Would you like anything to-,"
"Just the drink," Kent cut him off forcefully. [KENT ISN'T COMING ACROSS AS VERY NICE. IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT? IF HE'S THE PROTAGONIST OF THE STORY, IT'S MUCH EASIER IF THE READERS LIKE HIM. IF HE'S UNLIKABLE YOU'LL HAVE TO WORK MUCH HARDER TO ENGAGE THEM IN THE STORY]
"Right," he nodded. [BUT HERE, YOU DO HAVE TO SAY WHO SPOKE]
Kent gazed around the room, and as usual everyone was staring at him. He was used to this type of attention but certainly didn't enjoy it. His father Kenneth Whitlock used to be the most prestigious real estate tycoon in Los Angeles. He designed and built several Hollywood homes, many of which were custom made for celebrities. [THIS ISN'T BAD AS FAR AS IT GOES, BUT IT'S STRAIGHTFORWARD EXPOSITION. COULD YOU BRING IT OUT IN ANOTHER WAY, E.G. KENT OVERHEARING SOME NEIGHBOURING DINER TELLING HER FRIEND?]
With Kenneth's photo posted all over Hollywood, the Whitlock family had become something of celebrities themselves. If Kent ever made a rare appearance in a Hollywood night club or restaurant, it would be on the front page of the newspaper the next day. His male model looks didn't seem to hurt either.
Kent loosened his Hugo Boss white tie a little bit to take some of the edge off of the eyes beginning to pierce through him. [THAT DOESN'T REALLY MAKE SENSE. HOW DOES LOOSENING HIS TIE TAKE THE EDGE OFF THE EYES LOOKING AT HIM?]Couldn't they stare at something else? Normally it didn't faze him one bit, but he knew they weren't just staring because of his presence there.
About a month ago Kenneth Whitlock had a heart attack and passed away unexpectedly. He was only fifty two years old and had left his son with everything, which was more of a burden than it seemed. While Kent was quite knowledgeable in real estate, the business of running the company his father built from the ground was a lot of pressure for a twenty four year old that had never worked a day in his life. Losing his father had left him numb and regretful, and today on Fathers Day he wanted to somehow reconcile with himself by dining at his dads favorite restaurant, but it seemed to be having the opposite effect.
Kent realized that by coming here alone on Fathers Day he was just torturing himself, and all he wanted to do now was immerse himself in the light-weight black cherry flavor of the wine he was now impatiently waiting for. Finally, for what seemed like hours, the waitress arrived. In [AN]attempt to avoid more stares, Kent had become immersed in his Blackberry and didn't bother looking up. [IT'S BEST TO SAY THE ACTION WHEN IT HAPPENS, RATHER THAN AFTERWARDS. SO SAY EARLIER THAT TIRING OF THEIR GAZES HE IMMERSED HIMSELF IN HIS BLACKBERRY]
"Here you go Sir,"[EITHER END THIS SENTENCE, I.E. THE DIALOGUE AND HAVE THE WOMAN POURING AS A NEW SENTENCE. OR SAY, 'SHE SAID AS SHE CAREFULLY POURED'] the woman carefully poured the bottle of wine into a glass. Out of the corner of his eye Kent could see a flash of dark red tendrils floating over the table. [WHAT???]
"It's such a nice day today, perfect Fathers Day weather,"
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